Jealousy: generally refers to the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, and concern over a relative lack of possessions or safety. Jealousy can consist of one or more emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness or disgust. (google result).
We are all relatively familiar with jealousy aren’t we? It’s something we hear about often, when someone picks on us or ridicule us, our friends and family will always say ‘they’re doing it because they’re jealous’.
Most of the time, what people tell us is true. They are jealous.
But this post isn’t about getting real about people being jealous of us. This post is about getting real with jealousy we feel ourselves.
I’m going to be honest with you all here. I have spent most of my life a very, very jealous person. I throw my hands up and admit it. I get stupidly bitter and jealous of other people. It is (sadly) a feeling that comes very naturally to me.
I think a majority of it stems from years of bullying and comparison. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts you’ll know about a lot of my unfortunate self-esteem issues. The problem is, when you have a low self-esteem jealousy becomes a natural second nature.
Ugh, she got lucky again.
What have they got that I don’t?
I know I’m the only one who has experienced negative jealous feelings on a daily basis. Particularly with social media being as frequently used as it is now, we find ourselves in an overly competitive zone, constantly comparing ourselves to other people’s filtered lives.
I’ve never exactly been the hot popular one in any group throughout my life, this isn’t necessarily a negative thing I know, but throughout my life this was something that really triggered my depression.
I grew up with a pretty sister who was also extremely popular (unlike me) and I have always had friends that I consider to be much prettier than I am, I had nothing against this – or so I thought, but as time went on it really started to hit home how extreme my envy was.
I was constantly ‘unlucky’ with things and never having much luck whereas people around me were so effortless. I am always around people who can just go anywhere and have this natural likeable vibe about them, whether it be personality or the way they look. I on the other hand, generally a little bit invisible in comparison. Not the kind of cute invisible though. You know what I’m talking about, the invisible friend you get in all those classic movies who has a little cuteness about them which makes someone finally ‘see them’ as better than the others and falls for them etc.
Yeah, that still hasn’t quite happened for me haha.
But there are a few things I have learned recently about jealousy. Some positives and some negatives. So I wanted to share these lessons with you;
Jealousy is all in our head. Sounds obvious, but it’s true. We forget when it matters that every single human being has their own view and opinion. This means that just because I think my friends are prettier or better than me, doesn’t mean that everyone else does. I have seen over the years my most stunning friends get referred to as ‘ugly’ and ‘unappealing’. As much as it shocks me to my core when I hear it, and I feel obliged to shout ‘sorry mate but are you blind?’ (as any friend would really), I forget that actually, this person just doesn’t see my friend the way I do. And that’s okay.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” a well-known phrase with a lot of truth. But this is also relevant for other areas of life as well. Something I might see as ‘lucky’ or a big positive to someone’s life isn’t necessarily the same positive in someone else’s view.
Another important thing I picked up on, and probably the most important factor is this:
I don’t like the person I am when I’m jealous.
When we are threatened by others or jealous, it can make us very bitter. Bitterness then makes us mean. I learned over the years that sometimes I didn’t even realise I was doing it, but the way I felt about myself reflected in my behaviour towards other people.
I would say horrible things, make catty passive aggressive remarks as ‘jokes’ thinking that it wasn’t doing any harm, sometimes it didn’t. Some people can ignore negative vibes towards them and be happy in themselves. But what’s important here isn’t really how someone else felt about what I did, it’s about how I acted.
Over time, I have come to realise that jealousy does in fact get you absolutely nowhere. So what if another girl I know on the gram is always getting all the likes from all the guys that I want to like my stuff? So what if someone else got the more positive attention in the workplace? Okay so another person has managed to achieve something I’ve always dreamt of doing, so?!
Me having jealous or bitter feelings towards someone else is not going to change the fact that the events are happening. Sulking about it all or being catty to someone because I’m intimidated if anything, will just make me more unlikeable to people who I probably wish would like me more. Hating other people for what I don’t have will not make my life any better or easier.
It’s like that hallelujah moment in Mean Girls isn’t it really? Where Cady finally realised that hating on someone else and being a ‘mean girl’ wasn’t going to change anything for the better, all she could do was solve the problem in front of her. The problem in front of me, is me. In order for anything to work out for me, I need to be the change of mentality that doesn’t automatically feel threatened by every other person who I think is better off than me.
The positive energy has to come from within.
Of course, I know jealousy will never go away completely. It is part of all our human emotions, to have a good life we have to experience all our emotions. But I can tone down what triggers my jealousy and help make myself a better person. See myself in a more positive light then just the invisible one.
What are your personal battles with jealousy or negative feelings? Feel free to drop me a message and discuss x