You’re not needy, they’re just an arsehole.

Dating in this day and age is hard. There are so many rules, terms, games etc. I just can’t keep up. I think I’m too old to try and keep up. Particularly when apparently in this day and age, people can’t communicate properly.

Please note: this post is about communication when it comes to dating. The early stages as it were. This isn’t about long-term relationship traumas or those weird platonic friends we always have that try and push the boat out of the platonic sea! I’ll do different posts for that.

For tips on dating people with anxiety disorder, please see my blog post here:

https://positiveyetcynical35blog.com/2021/03/07/tips-for-dating-someone-with-anxiety-disorder/

One thing that I really, really struggle with when it comes to dating. Is the poor communication that comes with it, or the excuses guys will throw at me to justify making me feel like a piece of shit.

What I’m talking about here people, is the poor communication and excuses we can get, and then the ‘needy’ reputation we get for just wanting decent regular communication.

For the sake of not offending readers, I am going to point out that although everyone is different, we do have to focus on my personal bible of a film: He’s Just Not That Into You. If they’re treating you like they don’t give a shit, they genuinely don’t give a shit.

Here’s a few things I want to ‘translate’ and break down for a lot of you out there who are mistakenly labelling yourselves as ‘needy’ or ‘too much to handle’ when really, you’re just not going for the right person hun.

I’m so sorry I thought I’d messaged you last week, how silly of me

Translation: for arguments sake, as a one-off someone might be a bit blasé and not have sent a message thinking they had. But a week? C’mon now. You would genuinely notice if someone you’re actively talking to hasn’t come back to you in less than 24 hours. Common fact. So the correct translation of the above message is this: sorry but you were on the back burner of my mind because I was sorta chatting to someone else I preferred but now they’re off the radar I’ll try you out instead. (Or alternatively there’s no one else, they just did not give a shit about talking to you)

Please remember that bad communicators have nothing to do with you personally. People will always make the effort for the one that they want, it’s just sadly, you’re not always going to be the one they want.

Things have been so busy lately I’ve not had time to text.

Breakdown/Translation: does this person have their phone out a lot when they’re with you? Are they online a lot? Do they actively post updates on social media? Then the above excuse is invalid.

It takes a minute, if that, to type a quick message to let someone know you’re unable to reply or you’ve got shit going on. We all have the ability to do this, we just chose not to when we’re not that bothered about the person we’re talking to.

We all know someone who’s a ‘bad texter’ or ‘useless at replying’ but it’s a different ball game when it’s your friend or family member. Your friends and family are always going to be your friends and family. If your partner or the person you’re dating barely says a word to you in three days- you’ll assume you’re no longer dating or that something is wrong.

People are just cowards. Honestly, that’s all it comes down to. We are all programmed now to hide behind our phones as shields, which has basically made us all become wimps when it comes to confrontation or being honest with people. We all like to hide until the problem goes away. Unfortunately, this also happens with dating. You sit and hope someone will just ‘get the hint’ and disappear but sometimes, you just need to be upfront and say ‘I’m not feeling this right now sorry.’

A lot of people throw out different excuses for lack of communication, there are some things that I think are logical reasons, which I have listed below:

They’re at work. Everyone’s job is different, and just because you might have a relaxed job that lets you text at your desk, doesn’t mean the person you’re dating does. Even I have had times where I’ve opened a message but I don’t have time to reply because I’ve got to go into a meeting. You have to make allowances for people being at work, I’m sorry but there’s no going around that. But if they are into you, they will get back to you when they’re not working.

They’re going through some dark stuff. This happens. Mental health can affect us in many ways, however unpopular opinion but I don’t think that you should be trying to date someone new if you’re overcoming dark shit. It’s not the right time. If that person is meant for you, they’ll arrive when it’s right. You should always put yourself first. If you are dating someone who keeps being off with you and puts it down to having to deal with dark shit, you need to take a step back.

(Trust me when I say this, I have been in the situation more than once where you start dating someone in a bad place. It’s easy to think you can fix them or help them, but it never ends well)

Of course, if we want to be dramatic we can also say if they’ve had an accident, been rushed to hospital, dead… but you get where I’m going with this. There are emergencies that happen, bad days, accidents, but there’s a difference between having a one-off bad communication day and having someone who will be fully chatting away to you daily and then distant out of nowhere for days on end after.

It is not needy to want basic regular communication and assurance.

Watch out for things like the person you’re dating barely texting you back but being on their phone texting others when they’re around you. Know the difference between an off day and a shit communicator.

It is not hard for someone to tell you if they’re going to be busy and you have a right to say to someone if their behaviour is off or making you uncertain.

So, now we have addressed the fact that you’re not needy and you just go for arseholes. How can we help our mental health out a little when we’re chatting to someone new, so we don’t get too attached or wrapped up in someone who might not be the one:

(I realise I sound super cynical about dating here, but bear in mind prior to writing this post I’ve had a guy block me mid conversation where we were just having a day to day how are you convo, I’ve also had the above excuses a thousand times and each time guess what, they all never ended up in a relationship with me and were nine times out of ten always seeing someone else at the same time so , I have some merit here)

Turn off the WhatsApp Settings.

WhatsApp is one of the many dangerous things when it comes to chatting. I miss the Nokia days where you just text someone and waited for a reply, you didn’t know they’d been on their phone, or they’d read it yet. Ah, good days, my anxiety with dating was so much better then. But you can turn these settings off. In the ‘privacy’ section in settings, you can turn off the read receipts, the visibility of when people are online last etc.

Have Phone-Space Days

Sometimes, we need to have some time away from stressing over other people and that very dangerous Disney villain social media. So have a day or two where you just turn your phone off and go out and do something. (If you’re dating someone though, tell them you’re doing it. Especially if you don’t like being ignored either, let’s not be hypocrites now).

Be upfront about your needs

This is something people always talk about but never do. If you have anxiety about communication, or you are someone who barely uses their phone daily, communicate it. Nip problems in the bud early on and you’ll save yourself a lot of arguments.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking ‘but if I tell them that I like to talk a lot or get anxious when people leave me on read straight away then they’ll think I’m mad and leave’, well guess what, they’re going to find out eventually! If that’s your personality it’ll come out sooner or later, it’s better they leave you at the start trust me.

Also, I know a lot of people are going to be reading this and go ‘oh but I met my boyfriend and he had this excuse and it was genuine’ etc and I’m just going to remind you again, that there are exceptions to the rules. But we can’t all assume that we will be that one exception every damn time.

Nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you.

But please, please stop blaming yourself and allowing other people to tell you that you’re too needy or psychotic. There is nothing wrong with wanting decent communication between two human beings. Period.

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