That grey cloud again.

It’s coming to that time again, of brutal honesty.

The grey cloud has come to bother me once again. And in all honesty, it’s hit me pretty hard the last few weeks.

I had my first really bad migraine recently in a long time, if that isn’t my bodies way of telling me that it’s exhausted with all the stress and depression then well, I don’t know what is.

The problem with depression is, it’s not always as easy to pin point why you feel this way.

I think my depression got worse as soon as I hit mid-30’s. My life isn’t anything like I expected it to be at 35. I’ve wanted to be a mum more than anything and fall in love and all the other cute things most other adults seem to have by now, but the older I get, the more I start to feel like I’m just destined to fail at every dream I ever had.

Writing is my passion, and even that has been a big struggle lately. I am so exhausted half the time from my full-time job that I never manage to jot things down at the end of the day, or I just lay about feeling little to no energy.

Does anyone else struggle with how well other people are doing at things? Because I have to be honest, I find it so hard sometimes to encourage myself to keep trying at things when I feel like my writing is shit. Or it’s not getting enough positive attention.

My forever failing love life makes me extremely depressed. I’m not even going to deny any more that lack of finding the right person makes me unbearably sad every day. It’s not because I don’t think people can be happy on their own, honestly it isn’t. But I’ve spent most of my life on my own, I’m bored of it now. And I constantly keep thinking to myself why am I never good enough for someone I want to want me back?

Of course, I get attention. But I am not the sort of person that will just settle for that random male friend who hits on me because I don’t want to be alone anymore, it’s not a fair way to live.

I guess, what I’m trying to say here, is I’m not perfect. And although a lot of my posts bang on and on about positivity, self-love and being confident. I think it would be false and unfair of me to pretend like I don’t have these days. Or weeks. Or months. Where everything just feels… sad.

It is okay not to be okay. Don’t let anyone else ever tell you differently. And sometimes, you need the dark days so that you can appreciate the good stuff when it does come along.

xxx

2 comments

  1. Yes, to every word of this, you write beautifully. I recognise exhaustion from work, questioning my writing and sometimes just feeling sad. I think most people thought life would look a little different by their mid thirties (I certainly did) – the grey cloud will pass x

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  2. Thank you for your honesty. I go through these phases where the grey cloud comes looming over and I find it hard to get out of. Seeing how well other people are doing and comparing myself to other people my age (like the girls I went to school with) is something I REALLY struggle with too, so I can 100% relate to that. I’m 29 and my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be either. Seeing so many people progress, with buying houses, getting married and having kids just makes me feel worse – and I don’t even know if I WANT kids! I hope your grey cloud passes soon xxx

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